Bad Wolf: A stage play
by Verbs Everywhere
Summary: A parody in one act for three actors, starring the Ninth Doctor and Rose Tyler. Rose is just a high-school dropout trying to make her way as a shopgirl in the tough neighborhood of London, England-until she is whisked away by the Doctor. Misadventures ensue, the Doctor tries to restrain his violent nature, and the travelers are pursued by two mysterious words: Bad Wolf.
1. Prologue

_At rise, the TARDIS is located upstage._

_Enter THE DOCTOR, ROSE, and ACTOR._

THE DOCTOR: Hi! Welcome to "Bad Wolf." I'm the Doctor.

ROSE: And I'm Rose.

ACTOR: And I am everybody else.

ROSE: Wait, the play is called "Bad Wolf"? I thought we were going to call it "A Very Doctor Who"...something.

THE DOCTOR: This was my reasoning. We're doing that season where Rose and the Doctor see the words "Bad Wolf" everywhere-it's the name of a TV network, a nuclear power company...

ACTOR: It was spray-painted on the TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR: Right, so I was thinking, if the words could show up in all of those places-

ROSE: They could also be the name of the play.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Everybody ready? Okay, just like we practiced.

THE DOCTOR and ACTOR exit in opposite directions.


	2. Rose

ROSE: My name is Rose Tyler. I'm a high school dropout trying to make my way as a shopgirl in the tough neighborhood of London, England. For the first nineteen years of my life, nothing happened. Nothing at all. And then...

_AUTON enters._

ROSE: Whoa-! Oh, you scared me to death. I was right in the middle of a monologue there. _(reaches for AUTON) _Is that you, Derek?

AUTON: Raahh!

ROSE: Whoa! Not Derek!

_AUTON chases ROSE offstage. Then, ROSE screams as AUTON chases her across the stage in the other direction. As ROSE runs back across the stage, still screaming, she collides with THE DOCTOR._

ROSE: Ow!

THE DOCTOR: Hey!

ROSE: Who are you?

THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.

ROSE: "The Doctor?" Who's called "the Doctor"?

THE DOCTOR: Egotists.

ROSE: Fair enough. Okay, who was that? A student?

THE DOCTOR: Why would he be a student?

ROSE: Well, to get one person dressed up and acting silly...Because he is.

THE DOCTOR: I like the way you think! What's your name?

ROSE: Rose Tyler.

THE DOCTOR: I like the way you think, Rose Tyler! What do you say to traveling time and space with me?

ROSE: If I had a dime for every time I heard that one.

THE DOCTOR

No, seriously! _(points to TARDIS.) _That's my time-and-space machine over there. It's called the TARDIS.

ROSE: It's a retro telephone booth.

THE DOCTOR: I know. It's a clever disguise.

ROSE: Well...

_AUTON re-enters._

AUTON: Raahh!

THE DOCTOR: Let's go!

ROSE: Right behind you!

_THE DOCTOR grabs her hand as they run into the TARDIS. AUTON chases them._

AUTON: Raahh! _(pounds on door) _Raahh...Aw, man.

_AUTON exits._


	3. The End of the World

_Lights flash as THE DOCTOR, unseen, makes the TARDIS noise._

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE exit the TARDIS._

ROSE: Okay, that was NOT the TARDIS noise.

THE DOCTOR: What? I did a good job. That was the TARDIS taking off.

ROSE: No, it wasn't. It was like a Sumatran rhino giving birth while someone was kicking it in the diaphragm.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, do you have any idea how hard it is to actually make the TARDIS noise with your mouth?

ROSE: Where are we, by the way?

_STEWARD enters._

ROSE: No, on second thought, let me handle this. I've seen it in movies. _(grabs STEWARD) _Quick! Tell me what year this is!

STEWARD: Uh...Five point five slash apple slash twenty-six.

ROSE: Well, that was somewhat less helpful than I imagined.

STEWARD: _(points into audience) _Out there, as you can see, the earth is about to be destroyed by the sun's expansion-but no worries! We're safe here on Platform One.

THE DOCTOR: So you're saying that this...Platform One is unsinkable.

STEWARD: Well, we've managed to negate the possibility of veritably all known forms of space accidents...

THE DOCTOR: So you're saying it's unsinkable.

STEWARD: This station is the top of the Bad Wolf line-

THE DOCTOR: **So you're saying it's unsinkable.**

STEWARD: If you like. Unsinkable.

THE DOCTOR: Ha-ha! The same word that was used to describe the Titanic! Oh, I slay me.

ROSE: You'll have to excuse him. He's a time traveler.

STEWARD: Ah.

_STEWARD exits._

ROSE: So, what do you think, Doctor? Is it safe?

THE DOCTOR: Probably. But you have to realize, that's your sun expanding out there. And we're five billion years into your future. It's much hotter than you probably remember it. The only thing standing between us and all that heat is a simple heat shield.

ROSE: But can this heat shield thing break?

THE DOCTOR: Well, it's conceivable that it could, in the event of direct sabotage. But if that ever happened, we'd know, because it would get very hot.

ROSE: Needless to say.

THE DOCTOR: I mean, like, really hot. _(sheds jacket) _I'm not just talking about when the A/C's broken here. I'm talking about legitimate, extreme, almost-as-hot-as-summers-in-Texas kind of heat. _(tugs at collar)_

ROSE: Are you all right?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I'm fine.

ROSE: It is getting sort of hot in here, now that you mention it.

THE DOCTOR: It's just your mind playing tricks on you. Like when someone talks about yawning and it makes you want to yawn. Do you mind if I take my shirt off?

ROSE: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: You're right. Someone must have sabotaged the heat shield!

ROSE: But who would do such a thing?

THE DOCTOR: Well, there are a lot of rich socialites on this ship, and-

ROSE: How do you know that?

THE DOCTOR: I'm up on my history.

ROSE: You know the history of this ship? And you don't remember anything about a heat shield malfunctioning?

THE DOCTOR: Time is in flux. I'll explain it later. Anyway, someone could be trying to kill or extort these people for money. Also-and this is just idle speculation-that someone could be a seductive human female whose life-extending plastic surgeries have turned her into a seductive, stretched-out piece of skin with the voice of Madame Hooch.

ROSE: Is that even possible?

THE DOCTOR: That, or a crude cardboard representation of the same.

_CASSANDRA (ACTOR carrying the prop described by THE DOCTOR) enters._

CASSANDRA: Correct!

THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes! That's a point for the Doctor!

ROSE: Good for you. That should be great consolation as you're being roasted alive!

THE DOCTOR: Oh, right.

_THE DOCTOR slinks off._

CASSANDRA: Allow me to explain. I, Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen, am the wealthiest person on this ship as well as the most attractive, but I often find my financial resources drained by my cosmetic surgeries.

ROSE: You don't say.

CASSANDRA: Shut up! Anyway, my sabotage of the heat shield has allowed me to create a lucrative hostage situation. The guests on this ship are worth millions. I'll be able to stay looking young and beautiful forever!

ROSE: Or you could just look like a trampoline forever.

CASSANDRA: Shut up! You'll never be as beautiful as me!

ROSE: Oh, yes, I will. Because I'm Billie Piper.

_THE DOCTOR re-enters, carrying a glass of water._

THE DOCTOR: Well done, Rose. It looks like you've managed to keep her talking long enough for me to formulate a way to stop her.

CASSANDRA: What are you going to do?

THE DOCTOR: Moisturize you. _(throws the water at her)_

CASSANDRA: _(shaking)_ Aah! I'm melting!

ROSE: Help her.

THE DOCTOR: It's too late, Rose. Once washable marker on cardboard gets wet, there's no restoring it to its former glory. So many science projects, wet before their time...

ROSE: Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: I don't want to talk about it.

CASSANDRA: I'm too young to die...!

_(ACTOR throws the CASSANDRA prop offstage, Frisbee-style, revealing the STEWARD.)_

ROSE: It's the steward!

THE DOCTOR: Steward, it would seem there's something wrong with your heat shield. Go and take a look at that, would you?

STEWARD: Certainly.

THE DOCTOR: And do you know what else?

STEWARD: What?

THE DOCTOR: Not unsinkable! Ha-ha!

STEWARD: I'll never understand these rich types.

_STEWARD exits._

THE DOCTOR: Well, that was fun.

ROSE: In a harrowing, near-death sort of way.

THE DOCTOR: That's the only kind of fun I have, baby. _(takes her hand)_ Shall we?

ROSE: Yes, let's.

_They exit into the TARDIS. _


	4. The Unquiet Dead

_Lights flash as ROSE makes the TARDIS noise._

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE exit the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: Okay, even mine was better than that.

ROSE: It was not! That was a good TARDIS noise!

THE DOCTOR: No, it was like Michael Jackson ostrich-wrestling while being strangled.

ROSE: Yeah, it was. So where are we this time?

THE DOCTOR: Naples. December 24, 1860.

OFFSTAGE VOICE: Let me tell you, that reading of "A Christmas Carol" was the most exciting thing I've been to since I came here to Cardiff!

THE DOCTOR: You know, more or less.

OFFSTAGE: And possibly one of the most interesting things I've heard in this year, 1869!

THE DOCTOR: Oh, just be quiet.

ROSE: Did he say "A Christmas Carol"?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, he did! Which means-

_CHARLES DICKENS runs onstage._

CHARLES DICKENS: Oh, help! Someone!

THE DOCTOR: Charles Dickens!

CHARLES DICKENS: Um, yes, I am, and-

THE DOCTOR: Sir, I'm the Doctor. I'm your biggest fan!

CHARLES DICKENS: What? You're not a device for keeping cool!

THE DOCTOR: Ha-ha! People in the past who don't know contemporary slang! No, Mr. Dickens, I'm not a device for keeping cool, although my companions often think that I'm very ho-

CHARLES DICKENS: Oh, it's not important! There are ghosts, sir! Ghosts!

_CHARLES DICKENS runs offstage._

_Standard GHOST wearing a sheet runs across stage._

GHOST: Baaad Wooolf!

_GHOST exits on opposite side of stage._

_CHARLES DICKENS re-enters._

CHARLES DICKENS: See? Ghosts!

ROSE: Doctor, can I talk to you for a second? _(takes him aside) _Doesn't this seem a little suspicious to you?

THE DOCTOR: Suspicious how?

ROSE: I mean, Charles Dickens surrounded by ghosts at Christmas? That would be like if you met Agatha Christie and there was a murder mystery.

THE DOCTOR: Stranger things have happened, Rose. Mr. Dickens, I think I have a solution to your ghost problem.

CHARLES DICKENS: Then tell it!

THE DOCTOR: I will, _(takes pen and paper from pocket) _if you sign this.

CHARLES DICKENS: Oh. Some kind of contract, I take it?

THE DOCTOR: Something like that. Just make it out to your friend the Doctor, would you? _(DICKENS writes as THE DOCTOR gives his explanation)_ Now, one thing that I've noticed on my travels is that typically, when something appears to be a supernatural creature, it's actually an alien. For example, sometimes when people say "ghost," what they mean is "gaseous being whose corporeal form was destroyed in the Time War."

CHARLES DICKENS: Well, I actually meant "ghost."

THE DOCTOR: But I didn't. And if there's one thing I know, it's what to do with gas. _(takes lighter from pocket)_ Yes? Yeess?

ROSE: You're going to burn them up?

THE DOCTOR Not me. Him. _(tosses the lighter to DICKENS) _Just turn that dial on the side to make it go.

CHARLES DICKENS: _(turns lighter on) _Oh, my!

THE DOCTOR: I know, right? Now go on! You've got some ghosts to take care of! _(DICKENS starts to exit.) _Oh, I almost forgot. _(Holds out hand. DICKENS gives him the pen and paper.) _Thank you. Now go to it!

_CHARLES DICKENS exits._

ROSE: So that's it?

THE DOCTOR: That's it.

ROSE: But you don't even know what kind of gas those things are made of! What if he gets hurt?

THE DOCTOR: Doesn't matter. He's going to die soon, anyway.

ROSE: Well, maybe this is just me, but that strikes me as kind of cold and callous. Aren't you supposed to be the good guy?

THE DOCTOR: Not for about four more seasons.

_They exit into the TARDIS._


	5. Aliens of London & World War Three

_Lights flash as THE DOCTOR and ROSE make the TARDIS noise together._

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE exit the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: Okay, what say we quit trying to make the TARDIS noise?

ROSE: Yeah, because that was like a Sumatran rhino-

THE DOCTOR: No, it was like Michael Jackson-

ROSE: Strangling a Sumatran rhino-

THE DOCTOR: That was giving birth-

ROSE: While kicking an ostrich in the diaphragm.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, we'll go with that. Anyway, we're back home. London, 2005.

ROSE: Now, when you say this is London, 2005, is this like the time it was Naples, 1860?

THE DOCTOR: Yes. I mean, no. It's for real this time.

_FAT PERSON enters._

ROSE: I'll be the judge of that. _(grabs FAT PERSON) _Quick! What year is this?

FAT PERSON: Wha-? 2006!

ROSE: Is it, now?

THE DOCTOR: You know what, Rose? Watch a couple of the old episodes with William Hartnell and you'll appreciate my navigational skills!

_SOUND: Fart_

FAT PERSON: Oh, you'll have to excuse me-!

_SOUND: Fart_

ROSE: Everything all right?

FAT PERSON: Yes, it's fine, I...baked beans...I have to get to Downing Street!

THE DOCTOR: Wait a second. You wouldn't happen to be having a problem with your gas exchange, now would you?

FAT PERSON: I-what? I don't know what you're talking about!

THE DOCTOR: You wouldn't mind if I had a look at your forehead, would you?

FAT PERSON: I most certainly would!

THE DOCTOR: Rose, hold him down. _(ROSE restrains FAT PERSON as THE DOCTOR examines his forehead) _Aha-! Oh.

ROSE: What?

THE DOCTOR: Uh, false alarm. You can let him go.

FAT PERSON: What's your game? I'll sue you for everything you've got!

THE DOCTOR: Don't you have to get to Downing Street?

FAT PERSON: I-You haven't seen the last of me!

_FAT PERSON exits._

ROSE: Doctor, what was that about?

THE DOCTOR: I made a mistake, okay? Can we not talk about it?

ROSE: You just assaulted a random fat person! I think you owe me some kind of explanation.

THE DOCTOR: Fine. I thought he was a Slitheen.

ROSE: And that is...?

THE DOCTOR: They're aliens that disguise themselves by killing fat people and wearing their skin.

ROSE: Right. That sounds just a little bit far-fetched to me.

THE DOCTOR: No, let me explain. You can tell it's them because there's this gas exchange thing that makes it seem like they're farting.

ROSE: Okay, that makes much more sense. What?

THE DOCTOR: Wait, it only gets more plausible from here. They take the skin of the fat person off using a zipper on their foreheads, and there's this inexplicable flash of blue light-

_Inexplicable flash of blue light._

ROSE: Like that?

THE DOCTOR: A bit like that, yeah.

_SLITHEEN enters behind THE DOCTOR._

THE DOCTOR: And the actual Slitheen are your typical bug-eyed green aliens. I mean, they're fat, they're smelly, they're probably one of the ugliest races I've ever met, and there's one standing right behind me, isn't there? _(turns around) _Hey!

SLITHEEN: Hello.

ROSE: Doctor, these Slitheen...Are they dangerous?

THE DOCTOR: Bunch of common criminals. But not to worry, Rose. I'll protect you.

SLITHEEN: Common criminals! Compared to what? You, Captain Mass Murder?

THE DOCTOR: Hey, I resent that!

ROSE: Doctor, what's he talking about?

THE DOCTOR: And what are the Slitheen doing here on Earth?

SLITHEEN: Oh, we're just conducting a little business maneuver that will turn the Earth into molten ruins. Not unlike your planet, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: I can't believe you just said that.

SLITHEEN: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm off to 10 Downing Street, where my family and I will begin our work of destruction. But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Okay, enough with the cryptic guilt trips already!

SLITHEEN: Very well. Gentleman. Madam.

_SLITHEEN exits._

ROSE: Doctor, what are we going to do?

THE DOCTOR: Well, we have options. We could investigate the matter with the help of a plucky young reporter who likes to flash her ID at people, you know-_(mimes flashing ID) _MP for Flydale North! But that could take as much as an hour and a half, so I propose a simpler solution. _(takes small box with red button from pocket) _We blow up Downing Street!

ROSE: What?!

THE DOCTOR: Rose, there's something you don't know about me. I can fire a missile by satellite.

ROSE: By satellite?

THE DOCTOR: By satellite. And I can hit a target through a telescope.

ROSE: Through a telescope?

THE DOCTOR: Through a-Oh, we're wasting time. _(presses button)_

_SOUND: Explosion._

ROSE: You know, I'm starting to get something about you. You're kind of a violent guy, aren't you?

THE DOCTOR: Violent? Me?


	6. Dalek

_BOY enters, unseen, and begins spray-painting on the back of the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: I'm not violent. I like to solve problems with my smarts, my negotiation skills, and liberal application of... _(sees BOY) _You!

_BOY runs offstage._

THE DOCTOR: Come back here, you swine! I'll hang your head from the Time Rotor!

ROSE: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Look what that kid did to my TARDIS! "Bad Wolf".

ROSE: I don't care. You still overreacted. And why did that Slitheen call you "Captain Mass Murder"?

THE DOCTOR: Well, it's a long story, but basically, there was this Time War between the Time Lords and this race called the Daleks. It would still be going on today if I hadn't realized that the only way to stop everybody from killing each other...was to kill everybody.

ROSE: I won't argue with that logic.

THE DOCTOR: And so, the Time Lords are extinct except for me, and the Daleks are completely extinct. No more Daleks.

_DALEK enters (a cardboard prop like CASSANDRA)._

DALEK: I beg to differ!

THE DOCTOR: No! _(pulls handgun from pocket; aims at DALEK) _Oh, why don't you just die...?!

ROSE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! _(shields DALEK) _Doctor, this is getting out of hand!

THE DOCTOR: I'm warning you, Rose, I'm prepared to make sacrifices!

ROSE: But you can't just shoot him out of the blue! Maybe he's a friendly Dalek!

THE DOCTOR: What?

_(ROSE pets DALEK)_

DALEK: Purr...

ROSE: See? He's friendly! Can we keep him?

THE DOCTOR: Rose-! It's a Dalek! That thing is a mindless, cold-blooded killing machine!

DALEK: I would like to go on adventures.

ROSE: Please, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: All right. But if that thing kills anyone, I know nothing. Understand?

ROSE: Yeah, yeah. Come along, Dalek.

_THE DOCTOR, ROSE, and DALEK exit into the TARDIS._


	7. The Long Game

_Lights flash as DALEK makes the TARDIS noise._

_THE DOCTOR, ROSE, and DALEK exit the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: Apparently, someone forgot to tell their new pet the rule about not making the TARDIS noise.

ROSE: _(to DALEK) _He's right, you know. That was like an ostrich giving birth to a Sumatran rhino that was kicking Michael Jackson in the diaphragm-What did I forget?

THE DOCTOR: Strangulation.

ROSE: And they were being strangled.

DALEK: I am sorry.

THE DOCTOR: Whatever. Anyway, here we are. The year 200,000. The fourth great and bountiful human empire.

_SOUND: Rebecca Black's "Friday."_

THE DOCTOR: Make that the regular human empire.

ROSE: Doctor, what is it?

THE DOCTOR: Somebody must be messing with history. This is a paradox. The Time Vortex itself could hang in the balance!

ROSE: Uh-huh. And there's no chance you're just mistaken?

THE DOCTOR: Of course not!

DALEK: The Doctor is mistaken!

THE DOCTOR: Shut it, dustbin. You're skating on thin ice with me.

DALEK: The Doctor is mistaken! A temporal paradox has been created! We will be exterminated!

THE DOCTOR: Would you knock it off? Look, in situations like these, the best thing you can do is keep your spirits up. _(points up) _Chin up. The best thing you can do is look...

_(They all follow his finger up to the ceiling. [DALEK prop rotates.])_

THE DOCTOR: Up. _(he gulps)_

ROSE: Doctor, what is that thing?

THE DOCTOR: I'm not sure, Rose. But it's a large, evil-looking, gelatinous mass with a growly mouth full of sharp teeth. I say we shoot it.

ROSE: Wait!

THE DOCTOR What?

ROSE: Even if we do kill it, we should do it in a humane way. Like increasing the heat around it until it explodes.

THE DOCTOR: Charming.

ROSE: What do you think we should do, Dalek?

THE DOCTOR: I'll give you three guesses...

DALEK: Exterminate!

_SOUND: Zap._

_Big flash of light as DALEK shoots the ceiling._

THE DOCTOR: Well, that takes care of that problem.

ROSE: Now we can go on our next adventure, right?

THE DOCTOR: Not so fast. We still have to deal with this guy. He committed genocide.

ROSE: But Doctor-

THE DOCTOR: No buts. Killing things is very wrong and bad. _(draws gun) _The salt shaker dies.

ROSE: No! At least banish him instead.

THE DOCTOR: What is this, Romeo and Juliet?

ROSE: Please? For me?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, all right. Dalek, you are hereby banished. You may never return to Doctor Who.

DALEK: Because that worked so well last time.

THE DOCTOR: Watch it!

_DALEK exits._

THE DOCTOR: Well, I'm glad that's over.

ROSE: I always wanted a pet.

THE DOCTOR: Look, if R2D2 over there meant that much to you, I'll make it up to you. Weren't you just telling me the other day that your father died in a car crash when you were just a baby?

ROSE: Yes, although I don't remember what we were talking about at the time.

THE DOCTOR: That doesn't matter. When and where exactly did he die?

_They exit into the TARDIS._


	8. Father's Day

_Lights flash._

THE DOCTOR & ROSE: _(singing Doctor Who theme)_ Dooo weee ooooh...

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE exit the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: Okay, your father should be off in that direction. You can hold his hand while he's dying. Just don't try to save his life.

ROSE: Okay. _(starts to leave)_

THE DOCTOR: Wait, Rose!

ROSE: What?

THE DOCTOR: I'm serious. Don't try to save his life.

ROSE: Okay.

THE DOCTOR: Really. Under no circumstances should you try to save your father's life.

ROSE: Okay.

_ROSE runs offstage._

THE DOCTOR: I mean it! Don't try to save his life! That would be very wrong and bad! _(to himself)_ I probably shouldn't be worrying like this. Of course she's not going to save his life!

_ROSE returns with PETE in tow._

ROSE: Doctor! I saved his life!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I thought this might happen. Heads up, Rose! _(draws his gun and shoots PETE)_

ROSE: Wha-you-!

THE DOCTOR: I had to, Rose. It was the only way.

_He pockets his gun and drags PETE offstage._

ROSE: You just shot my father!

THE DOCTOR: It was him or me!

ROSE: And to think he was just on his way to the marriage of Mr. Badd and Miss Woolf-

THE DOCTOR: If I hear the words "Bad Wolf" one more time-! _(ROSE begins to cry. THE DOCTOR sighs.) _Come on, let's get you out of here.

_THE DOCTOR puts his arm around ROSE as he leads her to the TARDIS._


	9. The Empty Child & The Doctor Dances

_Lights flash._

THE DOCTOR: TARDIS noise.

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE exit the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: Would it help if I said I was sorry?

ROSE: Are you sorry?

THE DOCTOR: Uh...

ROSE: Doctor, has anyone ever told you that you have no social tact?

THE DOCTOR: You didn't need that schmuck! I mean, aren't I sort of a father figure to you?

ROSE: All you do is kill things!

THE DOCTOR: I do not!

ROSE: Okay, you killed everyone in the Time War, you killed that cardboard debutante on Platform One, you killed everyone at 10 Downing Street, you killed my father...! Honestly, I'm scared to even be around you.

THE DOCTOR: You're right. Rose, I've been a terrible father to you.

ROSE: You're not my-

THE DOCTOR: I mean, what kind of parent makes their kid feel scared?

ROSE: My mom rented all the _Saw_ movies one time.

THE DOCTOR: That she did, Rose, that she did; but I promise you, from now on, I'm going to make sure you never have any reason to be scared.

EMPTY CHILD: _(offstage)_ Are you my mummy?

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE slowly turn as EMPTY CHILD enters. They exchange a glance._

THE DOCTOR & ROSE: Aaaaaahhhh!

EMPTY CHILD: Mummy...

ROSE: It's so scary!

THE DOCTOR: I know!

ROSE: Why is it so scary?

THE DOCTOR: I don't know!

ROSE: It's so simple!

THE DOCTOR: Maybe that's why it's so scary!

THE DOCTOR & ROSE: Aaaaaahhhh!

EMPTY CHILD: Mummy?

ROSE: Do something!

THE DOCTOR: Uh...Open sesame! Security protocol one! I am the Doctor and you are the Daleks! Go to your room!

_(EMPTY CHILD halts.)_

ROSE: "Go to your room"?

THE DOCTOR: Don't question Who logic. _(EMPTY CHILD hangs head) _Yeah, that's right! You are in big trouble, young man! Go to your room! _(to ROSE) _Who says I can't be a father? _(to EMPTY CHILD, as EMPTY CHILD slowly walks away) _I have a lot of tax returns to go over and a football game to watch, and don't ask me to help you with your homework, because I don't understand that stuff. Heck, I didn't hardly understand algebra when I was your age! Go! To! Your! Room!

_EMPTY CHILD exits._

ROSE: Oh, that was terrifying.

THE DOCTOR: I agree. Nine hundred years of time and space and that was the scariest thing I've ever seen.

ROSE: Completely horrific.

THE DOCTOR: Or ever will see, no doubt.

ROSE: Seriously?

THE DOCTOR: Absolutely. Nothing could ever be scarier than that.

ROSE: What if there were, like...statues that could only move when you weren't looking at them?

THE DOCTOR: Did you and I not just see the same thing?

_JACK charges in, looking harried._

JACK: I can't believe this, it's all my fault...! _(sees ROSE) _Well, hello there! _(slicks back hair, swaggers forward and offers a handshake.) _Captain Jack Harkness.

_(ROSE faints)_

THE DOCTOR: You killed her!

_(THE DOCTOR tries to revive ROSE. By the end of JACK's speech, he is preparing to give her mouth-to-mouth.)_

JACK: _(takes center stage and addresses audience) _That's right. Captain Jack Harkness, the most eligible bachelor this side of the Boeshane Peninsula. 'Course, I should probably mention that I'm into guys. And girls. And robots. And multiforms. And-

THE DOCTOR: Are you quite finished?!

ROSE: _(reviving) _What happened?

THE DOCTOR: Don't you remember?

ROSE: It's like...There was this singing...

JACK: I have that effect on people.

THE DOCTOR: Moving along, Captain-I'm sorry, what was it?

JACK: Captain Jack Harkness. But guess what my nickname used to be when I was a kid?

ROSE: The Face of Boe?

JACK: Bad Wolf.

THE DOCTOR: Of course it was. Anyway, Captain Jack "Bad Wolf" Harkness...Right before you got here, we were attacked by...By...

ROSE: By this person wearing a gas mask and looking for his mummy.

JACK: I know! Scary, right?

ROSE: If we're lucky, the nightmares might stop before the anniversary.

JACK: Not to worry. Maybe if I tell you more about what they are, they'll seem less scary.

THE DOCTOR: Doubt that.

JACK: Now, this is sort of complicated, so try to keep up.

THE DOCTOR: No problem. _(to ROSE) _Try to keep up.

JACK: Well, first of all, I may conceivably have crashed a Chula war ambulance back there a ways. It had nanogenes in it. I think they-

THE DOCTOR: Found a small child wearing a gas mask and looking for its mummy, assumed that's what humans are supposed to be like, and started going around turning everyone into one of those...things?

JACK: How did you know?

THE DOCTOR: Those are the sorts of conclusions you draw when you eat implausible for breakfast.

ROSE: But wait.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, here it comes.

ROSE: How can these nanogenes not tell the difference between organic and inorganic matter?

JACK: _(snickering) _Is she always like this?

THE DOCTOR: All the time.

JACK: Wait a minute. This is serious! We have to find a way to stop those things!

THE DOCTOR: Well, it's a good thing you have me. Let's see...Thinking...Random pieces of information coalescing inside my head...

ROSE: Maybe the answer could have something to do with "Are you my mummy?"

THE DOCTOR: No, Rose, that's ridiculous, but what if we found the original child's mother and that allowed the nanogenes to see what a human is supposed to be like?

ROSE: Doctor, if they couldn't figure out what a normal human is supposed to be like after seeing a whole bunch of normal humans, what makes you think this will work?

THE DOCTOR: Uh, because they're related.

JACK: Duh. _(to THE DOCTOR) _So, we're going to find the mother?

THE DOCTOR: We're not. You are.

JACK: Well, what are you guys going to do?

THE DOCTOR: We're going to go on some more adventures.

JACK: Can't I go on adventures with you guys?

THE DOCTOR: Why would I want to go on adventures with you? You would only steal my woman.

JACK: Yeah, I would.

THE DOCTOR: But it's not all bad. I'm not sure about the identity of the mother, but judging by the circumstances, I'm guessing young, single mom.

JACK: You're right. Sacrifices must be made. _(Shakes THE DOCTOR's hand, then pulls him into a man-hug, discreetly stealing his gun in the process.) _Take care, uh...

THE DOCTOR: Doctor.

JACK: Take care, Doctor- _(to ROSE) _Really?

ROSE: He's an egotist.

JACK: I see.

THE DOCTOR: Let's go, Rose. Our work here is done.

_They exit into the TARDIS._

JACK: Uh-oh, here they come! _(pulls THE DOCTOR's gun out of his pocket) _I'm gonna get you, Chula zombies! Bang! Bang!

_Runs offstage._


	10. Boom Town

_Lights flash._

THE DOCTOR: TARDIS!

ROSE: Noise!

_They exit the TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: Well, here we are, back on present-day Earth.

ROSE: London?

THE DOCTOR: Cardiff, actually. I don't only go to present-day London, Rose. That's a stereotype.

ROSE: Okay, sorry.

THE DOCTOR: But anyway, the reason I brought you back here to present-day Earth is because-

ROSE: It's your favorite place in time and space?

THE DOCTOR: That, and because I thought it would be a good way to mark the fresh start we're about to make.

ROSE: So you're not going to be violent anymore?

THE DOCTOR: Well, I'll try. But if there's any danger, Rose, I won't hesitate to take out my- _(takes banana from pocket) _Banana?! What the-? That Captain Jack Harkness! He must have switched my gun for this banana when we man-hugged!

ROSE: What an ironic reversal of expected events!

THE DOCTOR: Now how am I supposed to kill people?

ROSE: I've got an idea: don't.

THE DOCTOR: But what if...?

ROSE: Doctor. We're in present-day London.

THE DOCTOR: Cardiff.

ROSE: Cardiff. I doubt that you're going to be put in a situation where you'll have to kill someone.

_FAT PERSON enters._

THE DOCTOR: Is that...?

FAT PERSON: I'm sorry, have we met before?

THE DOCTOR: No, I don't think we have.

FAT PERSON: You look familiar.

THE DOCTOR: No, no, you've probably seen me in a historic photo or the site of a disaster...

FAT PERSON: Hm. Anyway, I'd best be on my way. Just got a new job at a nuclear power plant. Blaidd Drwg Incorporated.

THE DOCTOR: Wait a second.

FAT PERSON: What?

THE DOCTOR: Did you say Blaidd Drwg?

FAT PERSON: Yeah, why?

THE DOCTOR: Rose, do you know what that means?

ROSE: No.

THE DOCTOR: It means-

ROSE: But that's weird, though. Because since I've been with you, I've been able to understand anything that's said in any language. Why can't I understand this?

THE DOCTOR: I actually don't know. But it means "Bad Wolf."

ROSE: Oh-!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. I've heard the phrase "Bad Wolf" in six unrelated locations today. Dare I say it? I don't think this is a coincidence.

FAT PERSON: What are you talking about?

THE DOCTOR: And another thing. Rose, I know we just got here, but what do you say to a trip to the year 200,100?

ROSE: Why, what's there?

THE DOCTOR: Bad Wolf TV. That's gotta be the answer! So come on, let's get out of here before-

FAT PERSON: Wait, I remember you!

THE DOCTOR: And there it is.

FAT PERSON: You're that rude couple who examined my forehead when I was in London! You will pay!

THE DOCTOR: Rose, get into the TARDIS!

_Rose exits into TARDIS._

THE DOCTOR: _(draws banana like a gun) _I'm warning you-!

FAT PERSON: Oh no, he's got a banana!

_FAT PERSON runs away._

THE DOCTOR: Wow. Bananas are good.

_Exits into TARDIS._


	11. Bad Wolf & The Parting of the Ways

_Lights flash._

THE DOCTOR & ROSE: _(to the tune of the Doctor Who theme)_ TARDIS nooiise, TARDIS nooiise...

_They exit the TARDIS._

ROSE: So tell me more about this TV network.

THE DOCTOR: Well, about a hundred years after the regular human empire, all of the TV stations on Earth were taken over by one TV network: Bad Wolf TV. But no one ever knew who controlled it.

ROSE: Was this the regular human empire that we visited earlier in the play?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah.

ROSE: Where you banished my pet Dalek?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, would you let that go? I'm a changed man! I've got a banana! _(sees that ROSE is looking offstage) _What?

_DALEK enters._

DALEK: I have returned!

THE DOCTOR: No!

DALEK: Yes! For the past one hundred years I have waited here, plotting my revenge against the Doctor. Now I will exterminate you!

ROSE: _(shields THE DOCTOR) _You'll have to go through me first!

DALEK: I warn you, you are expendable!

ROSE: What? But I saved your life!

THE DOCTOR: Rose, there's no need to worry. I can stop this joker.

ROSE: Are you sure?

THE DOCTOR: Absolutely. I just need you to get something out of the TARDIS for me.

ROSE: What is it?

THE DOCTOR: You'll see it, it's a thing, it's sitting right there on the console. Go!

ROSE: Uh, okay.

_Exits into the TARDIS._

DALEK: What are you doing?

THE DOCTOR (whips remote control out of pocket) This.

_(He presses a button.)_

_Lights flash._

ROSE: _(like a Pokémon) _TARDIS noise? TARDIS noise! TARDIS noise!

DALEK: The TARDIS has a remote control?

THE DOCTOR: You know, after 900 years, I finally figured it out. And now I've sent Rose home.

DALEK: Then why can I still see the TARDIS?

_(THE DOCTOR whispers to him, shielding his mouth from the audience with his downstage hand and gesturing grandiosely with his upstage hand.)_

DALEK: I see.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. So, looks like it's just you and me, Dalek.

DALEK: You will be exterminated!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I might be, if I didn't have...this!

_(Takes out red button.)_

DALEK: What is that?

THE DOCTOR: Dalek, there's something you don't know about me. I can fire a missile by satellite.

DALEK: By satellite?

THE DOCTOR: Don't start with me.

DALEK: I wouldn't do that if I were you!

THE DOCTOR: Why not?

DALEK: This satellite is positioned above the planet Earth. If you destroy it, the burning shrapnel will fall to the surface below!

THE DOCTOR: That's a sacrifice I'll have to make to destroy you!

DALEK: But we are currently in orbit above London! _(THE DOCTOR looks up in horror.) _Choose, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Well, never mind. I don't need a missile to defeat you, because I have...this!

_(Draws and aims banana.)_

DALEK: That is a banana!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that's what they tell me.

DALEK: What will you do with that?

THE DOCTOR: This!

_(THE DOCTOR begins smacking DALEK with the banana.)_

DALEK: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

THE DOCTOR: That's right, how does it feel?!

DALEK: It hurts...! Wait a second. I am a Dalek. I am indestructible!

THE DOCTOR: _(stops hitting DALEK)_

Oh, yeah.

DALEK: Extermi-

_SOUND: TARDIS noise._

_(THE DOCTOR and DALEK slowly turn in the direction of the TARDIS.)_

DALEK: What is that?

THE DOCTOR: The TARDIS noise.

_ROSE enters dramatically._

THE DOCTOR: Rose! What have you done?

ROSE: I looked into the TARDIS and the TARDIS looked into me.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, no! No one's meant to do that-! But if you hadn't, I'd be dead right now-! I have mixed feelings about this-!

ROSE: I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I scatter these words across time and space, bringing me here.

THE DOCTOR: Wait, what?

ROSE: _(to DALEK) _You. I see every atom of your existence and I divide them.

_(She raises her hand. ACTOR throws DALEK prop offstage, as with the CASSANDRA prop, revealing that he is JACK.)_

THE DOCTOR: _(to AUDIENCE) _It's Captain Jack Harkness!

JACK: Hey...Maybe I should just...leave.

ROSE: Wait. _(she raises her hand; JACK jerks as if shot) _Now you are immortal.

JACK: Cool. We could make a whole other TV show about that.

_JACK exits._

THE DOCTOR: Okay, Rose. Now you can stop.

ROSE: But I can't.

THE DOCTOR: What? Why?

ROSE: My head...It's killing me...

THE DOCTOR: Just take some Advil!

ROSE: No, I mean the Time Vortex. I can't stop it.

THE DOCTOR: There has to be a way. The answer should be in your head. Look inside.

_(ROSE closes her eyes, concentrating. Then, she opens them, looking shocked.)_

THE DOCTOR: What?

ROSE: You're not going to like it.

THE DOCTOR: Rose, you just saved my life. I'll do anything to save yours.

ROSE: You have to kiss me.

THE DOCTOR: Well, there's always Peri.

_(THE DOCTOR starts to leave.)_

ROSE: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: You're right, Rose. _(sighs) _I think...you need a Doctor.

_(He gives her a very dramatic stage kiss.)_

_Lights fade. CAST moves TARDIS offstage._

THE DOCTOR: Rose.

_Lights up. ROSE is lying on the floor. THE DOCTOR is crouched over her._

THE DOCTOR: Rose!

ROSE: _(waking up) _Where are we?

THE DOCTOR: We're in the TARDIS. _(stands, then convulses) _Gah!

ROSE: Doctor, what's happening?

THE DOCTOR: I'm dying, okay? We kissed the kiss of death and now every cell in my body's dying.

ROSE: I don't understand.

THE DOCTOR: I'll call the press!

ROSE: Isn't there something you can do?

THE DOCTOR: Yes, there is one thing I can do. But it means that every cell in my body's going to change. And before that happens, I just want to say goodbye.

ROSE: Wait a second. Is every cell in your body going to change, or is every cell in your body going to die? Because you're making it sound like you're going to die.

THE DOCTOR: You're right, I am, which will give you every right not to believe it's me after I change!

ROSE: Doctor, you're not making any sense.

THE DOCTOR: I might never make sense again. I might have two heads. I might have no head. But to be honest with you, I'll probably just look like David Tennant.

ROSE: Oh my gosh, I love David Tennant-!

THE DOCTOR: Rose, I'm dying here!

ROSE: Oh, right. Sorry.

THE DOCTOR: But before I go, Rose, there was just one thing I wanted to say. _(ROSE leans in) _Closer. _(she puts her ear next to his mouth) _I...ate...the banana. Gaahh!

_THE DOCTOR is thrown offstage by a huge convulsion. Lights flash gently as ROSE watches THE DOCTOR regenerate._

_NEW DOCTOR staggers onstage._

NEW DOCTOR: Ha! Brr! New teeth, that's weird, now where was I?

ROSE: You don't look anything like David Tennant.

_(NEW DOCTOR looks sadly down at himself. This is true.)_

NEW DOCTOR: Allons-y?

_The end._


End file.
